deathbattlefanonfandomcom-20200213-history
User blog:Nkstjoa/My last blog, 10 day notice
This is not going to be my very last edit here on this Wiki, but rather a declaration that I will be departing within 10 days. And this is not me never coming back to the Wiki ever again, but me spending substantially less time on here than I do currently. Undoubtably, this all deserves an explanation, so I shall. My tale Unless you're new or haven't had the tale hammered into your subconsious, this was how I came across the Wiki: I began contributing to the Death Battle Wiki when I stumbled across a blog by Justin.sommers.50 there with a link to this Wiki. I came across this blog and commented on it June 9th 2014 regarding the possibility of me adding something there. Then on June 21st 2014, I went there and finally contributed. It proved lonesome for a time as I was essentially the only one editing on the Wiki period. But I let some fellow users on the Death Battle Wiki, namely Chesknight, Maxevil, and DeathBattleMike, in on it, and from there, it was at least four users editing there. Then perhaps through Chesk or any number of them spreading the word, more and more slowly came over with their own edits. Back then, I was seen as the unofficial leader, with me making a top completed battles blog, as well as posting a rules blog even when there was basically no acting admin there. So then I asked a representative to become admin, as well as asked the community. From there, I was the first active admin in just under two years, with Para and Shadow following soon afterward. ...and the rest is basically history. Many more admins have come and gone, I stepped down twice with the second being my true resignation as admin, and the Wiki and community have grown into what they are today: thousands of pages and hundreds of users. Much time has passed When I first came across this Wiki, I was 20 years old and working a job. Now I'm 24 going on 25 and I've been without a job for over a year. Sufficed to say, time does take a toll, especially as an adult. That's not to necessarily say that if I still had a job, I'd be staying here forever or that five years is the limit before even the longest-running user calls it quits. This is simply an individual case and for mine, I am reaching my limit. I've hit the point in my adult life where I am honestly unsure where I'm going with or where I'll be with my life. Now to be clear: the Wiki has NOTHING TO DO with my current state. It's nothing even remotely close to anything like "time I could've spent doing productive things was wasted here" or anything like that. Just that where the Wiki had helped me get through tough times before, I honestly don't know if it will help me with this one. Maybe it's a bit more universal than I think: getting older, realizing you haven't done much, and wondering whether you can turn that around or if it's perhaps too late because the course has already been set. It's something I've been thinking about over these past months and all due to a culmination of everything I've done since high school. Not that I wouldn't love to still be doing stuff here at 30, but there does come a point where one has to say "I've done all I can here" and I've definitely hit that mark. I helped the Wiki grow, I helped the community form, I finished the fanon Death Battle series I had written since 2014, so what more is there for me to do that only I can do? Vs debating ain't what it used to be I know, it's especially tempting to eyeroll at yet another "someone's leaving the Wiki because they're tired of vs debating". Truth be told, I've never been a big fan of it. I don't know how many of us watched or started to watch Death Battle because we wanted to find out who would win and settle the debate once and for all, but like Deadliest Warrior before it, I began to care less and less about who wins and more how interesting two or more different characters' interactions could be. And it does sound like an oxymoron: liking a show about debating who would win without caring about who wins at all. This also carried on to my battles, where I was more-so curious how I could write out both the analysis and the battle itself more-so than how "accurate" I was. Not that I didn't try, as I certainly did, but truthfully, the entertainment factor always won out for me over being 100% correct. But over the years, NOT JUST on the Wiki, but just in general, vs debating has just become... well, aggressive, smug-superior, and at worst, hateful. All about how "You think insert character wins? Are you retarded?" and "No, allow me to prove to you exactly how wrong and stupid you really are about these fictional characters and their verses," as well as "insert character and their verse are so pathetic and get solo-ed without a single ounce of effort needed." And as much as I had tried making rules to limit this, I always ran the risk of being a censoring dictator. I'm sure I've over exaggerated this, as a few bad apples don't give me the right to COMPLETELY GENERALIZE the entire vs community. It's simply something I've noticed over the years all across the web. Like remember when vs debating was "I disagree, but hey, it's your opinion" and "I think insert character wins, but hey, to each their own" instead of all this "I'm going to disprove you and destroy you where you stand." I've missed those days for a long time now. My demons I know for most, my adminship is remembered fondly in spite of the times I was power-hungry and acted out things without consult because I wanted to and thought it was the best way to go. Then I assume that I'm considered a somewhat humble user here despite being, y'know, the refounder of the entire Wiki: But I have to confess: I haven't been humble. I've been quite the opposite. Any time I wrote anything, I just had to brag that my stuff was available, as if to say "My stuff's the best on the Wiki. Come read it, knave." After all, what's all I've basically been saying since I posted my series finale? Exactly. I think it's the hottest stuff here and that it and all my works deserve unending recognition and appraisal. Like "Years from now, they'll be talking about how my works transcended other fanon battles" and that I'd have rows of users reviewing my entire series to show how great my battles really are. If you had asked me before "What Marvel Cinematic Universe villain are you?", maybe Loki would've sounded good at first since... But now I know exactly what MCU villain I'd be... this guy: "I need to fulfill life's one true purpose; to grow and spread, covering all that exists until everything is... me!" Why you'd swear my ego's the size of a... Deep down, I've been consumed by a toxic idea that because I refounded the Wiki that I deserve absolute recognition and praise. Almost like "I created this community. Without me, there'd be nothing. So honor me and pay tribute to me!" In other words... "Praise me! Revere me!" And hey, that covers what Dragon Ball villain I'd be as well. To be clear, I've been working on this. Trying to stop advertising my stuff 24/7 and giving kudos to other writers besides myself. Didn't want to pass off a "It's another side of me, my dark side" type excuse: it's how I've been and I'm owning up to it. They're my demons and I've been working to conquer them once and for all. I need to unplug Probably not a surprise, I think I have internet addiction issues. I'm the kind of guy who checks here pretty constantly, often hours on end, for every little edit that goes on here. Even staying up late and throwing off my sleep schedule because I feel like checking or posting something. Again, this is nothing close to saying "This Wiki made me ruin my sleep schedule" or anything of that sort: I messed it up myself and I need to figure out how to fix it. I've knowingly overused the internet when I knew there'd be negative consequences for it, so IT'S ALL ON ME. So I've decided that by not coming onto this Wiki daily anymore, perhaps not going on for weeks or even months on end, I'd be much better mentally for it. Not saying "If you go on this often, you have internet addiction issues too" as I'm sure some of you have actually balanced it out; I just don't have that level of control and need to work at it. In closing This has been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make as, in some ways, I've helped and watch this Wiki grow for so long that likely the reason I hadn't left sooner was because I couldn't bring myself to do so. To stop checking it on a daily basis. To stop worrying about every new edit or comment. To finally let the Wiki continue on its own. And as a refute to myself, no, I didn't make the Wiki what it was by myself: it was the community, all of you, that did that. I may have given a few pointers, but everything else was all of you. Could I have added 20,000+ pages or completed 3,000+ battles? Heavens no, I couldn't have even if you gave me ten years here by myself. But this has been a long time coming and as much as I've tried holding it off, I have to finally take my leave here and leave the destiny of the Wiki in the hands of the community and heads. Many thanks Shadow7615 and SuperSaiyan2Link, both of you helped me as admin and still give me much-needed aid even as just a standard user. You two are now the longest-running users here and I hope you both keep up the good work. Withersoul 235, Commander Ghost, PlozAlcachaz, I'm Lynda, and Big the cat 10, I have zero doubts as to where this Wiki will head with you at the helm. You've all done such fine work and I know you'll continue to push the Wiki forward in my absense. Timefreezer4, BangJang96, and ArceusBowser44, all three of you gave me talks in chat that helped me tremendously even as I felt like I was at my lowest point. Friendlysociopath for something coming up in the next section. Ahomeschoolingroudon, this was added far later than it should've been. You helped me a ton over the years and I really should've thanked you for it earlier. And while they're no longer present on the Wiki, AgentHoxton, Chesknight, and Fedora Lord Para 348 inspired me to keep writing battles here and are a big part of why I even made it to my series finale. There's countless others who I can't name off-hand and whom I wish I could credit properly, but just know that anyone whose ever conversed with me, be it in chat or the comments, I sincerely thank you for everything. Sorry to have to bring in the heavy stuff, but this had been on my chest for some time and I had to release it. And with that, that's where the blog will be left off until the tenth day has passed, after which I will update this with my going-away picture. Hope you all have a good day. Peace. Last day on regularly edit (8/31/2018) Confession time: Me wanting to become a writer? Not big surprise. What may be a surprise is my inspiration: George Lucas. I admired the way he literally created an entire living, breathing universe filled with characters and lore. So it was thanks to him that I finally found my calling... ...but also as a result, I found my greatest fears: failure and ridicule. With just one trilogy, George Lucas went from one of the most respected creators of all time to "bad writer", "has-been", and other such terms still constantly thrown at him to this day. And because I saw what became of my idol, I just couldn't bring myself to write. Oh, I'd have plenty of ideas in my head, but none that I ever put on paper. Any time I'd even think of writing them down, I'd say "No, it's not going to be good", "No, I need more experience", or "No, it'll just be gibberish and nonsense." And I had been telling myself that since high school. With complete sincerity, what perhaps kept me from giving up on writing, period, was writing battles on this Wiki. Finally letting myself put stuff down without being overly critical of myself and just typing because I could. And judging from what all of you have said over the years... I really shouldn't have doubted myself to begin with. And then I found this beautiful gem that Friendlysociopath posted on his profile: "You're not a loser. You know what a loser is? A real loser is somebody that's so afraid of not winning, they don't even try. You're trying." I was a real loser. I didn't even try because I was afraid of not winning. But not anymore. That quote, regardless of its origin, completely reinvigorated me. Now I'm going to keep writing, no matter how well or bad it turns out. Maybe I'll mess up. Maybe I'll have bad writing. Maybe I'll fail, and fail multiple times in a row. But I'm going to keep trying. So for those of you who, like me, doubted themselves and didn't try because they were afraid of failure and ridicule, let me tell you this as a 24 11/12ths year old man finally figuring this out: keep trying, no matter what. Good luck to everyone here. Sayonara. Category:Blog posts